


and the rest  would be pizza and beer

by Hyperionova



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Friendzone, M/M, Oneshot, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 13:28:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12795573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyperionova/pseuds/Hyperionova
Summary: A surprising turn of events on a rather uneventful night lands Kai a precious friendship he wants to treasure for the rest of his life.





	and the rest  would be pizza and beer

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction and is an EXO fanfiction inspired by Karan Johar’s Ae Dil Hai Mushkil. The author does not own character(s) from EXO. Other names, places, characters, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any other resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is entirely coincidental.
> 
> The Work is © 2017 Hyperionova.
> 
> The work contains homoeroticism. It is intended for adult audiences only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m not God but if I were God, ¾ of you would be girls, and the rest would be pizza and beer.”  
  
—W. Axl Rose of Guns N’ Roses, 1989

 

 

 

 

ANYTHING GOES

 

_“Shall we begin?”_

_He smiled and nodded at the rolling camera, beckoning to the interviewer to proceed._

_“It’s a pleasure having you with us today, Kai,” the interviewer, a gentle-sounding woman, said on the other side of the camera that was not focusing on her._

_“Pleasure is all mine,” Kai said._

_“All right. Let’s talk music,” she chimed. “First and foremost, hearty congratulations on your album.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“Now, most of the songs on the album are about heartbreaks,” she said and chuckled before continuing. “Does that mean you are a heartbroken man yourself?”_

_Kai smiled at her and then at the camera. It was answer enough._

_“All good songwriters are, I believe,” the interviewer said. “But is there a good love story behind it?”_

_Kai licked his lips. He paused for a moment. Then he began. “Not all broken hearts stem from love. Some from familial relationships, failure in careers, others from… friendships. Mine… My songs… emanate from both… my failures in love and friendship.”_

_“Was it unrequited?”_

_Kai thought about it for a second and smiled. “No, it wasn’t.”_

_“You went through a breakup, then?”_

_“No. My love was… returned. But perhaps just not in the way I had longed for. It was more like a vain attempt... that both destroyed and saved me. I needed to feel the pain and when I finally did for the first time of my life, I hadn’t seen it coming and I didn’t know it would be so… lethal.” He dropped his gaze momentarily._

_“Sounds like a painful story.”_

_He lifted his eyes and let out a curt laugh. “Maybe. That depends on the different perspectives of the audience. To some, this might even be a funny story.”_

*

It was summer, London, 2013.

There was always something oddly thrilling about the buoyant, simple ambience of a pub. The upbeat music had the partygoers dancing like puppets on strings on the dancefloor—the booze their fuel and the leering pairs of eyes their instigation. Like a virus, the vibrations spread to every corner. By the bar, men were trying to pick up women with hackneyed words and indecent propositions, offering to buy them drinks. The pub was not particularly anything fancy. It was an ordinary English pub, filled with vapid locals.

The whiskey swirled in the glass he held lightly in his hand as he tapped his foot to the rhythm of the music, observing the dancing crowd. His eyes were particularly stuck on the fair-skinned, dark-haired Asian boy, swaying his hips, feeding off the attention the girls were giving him, grinding themselves against his sylphlike body.

Kai curled his bottom lip between his teeth and looked fixedly at the boy, practically undressing him with his eyes. Kai was not usually the type to ogle attractive people so overtly with lewd intentions, especially an attractive _man_ , but it was both the fact that he was curious if the boy were Korean and the fact that he was one of the most beautiful boys Kai had ever laid his eyes upon that was making him stare, flushed and a little embarrassed. But it was okay, because he was not the only one who was staring at him.

He took another sip of the bitter drink, leaning against the bar counter. Then the unexpected happened. The boy looked at him. Directly at him. They held each other’s gazes for a moment before Kai dropped his, gnawing at his lip. He swallowed nervously. When he mustered the courage to lift his head again, the boy smirked at him, arms wrapped around some girl. Kai did not look away this time.

The boy raised a forefinger and curled it, making a clear gesture at Kai, beckoning him to approach. Kai blinked vacantly, a little taken aback. He glanced around him, just to make sure the boy was indeed pointing at him. When he was certain he was not about to make a fool of himself, he downed the remaining whiskey before pulling away from the counter.

The boy, with a cocky grin plastered to his beautiful face, retreated from the dancefloor and started towards the toilet. Kai followed, maintaining a safe distance between them. He tried not to stare at the couples making out down the hallway to the toilet and kept his concentration solely on the lean, peppy boy ahead of him. He dragged a hand of his along the wall without glancing back at Kai even once. Was he so sure that Kai would follow him all the way?

Then he stopped and leaned against a wall, looking at Kai, licking his smirking lips. Though his curiosity about the stranger was thick, his need for this hook-up was heavier. He raised a hand to the wall on a side of the boy’s head and nervously closed the scant distance between them.

Kai tried not to show his trepidation and hesitation when the boy grabbed hold of his shirt collar and yanked him close until their lips crashed. He was okay with the boy taking control because he was far too shocked and baffled to act on his own. He struggled to keep up with the boy’s hasty, demanding mouth, and gasped lightly when a cold hand slipped into the front of his pants. He quickly tried to recover his kiss. He was bad at this. He had always been bad at hooking up with strangers. The kiss was not only sloppy on his part, but also tentative and inexperienced.

The boy’s lips froze against his as Kai kissed him and curled his arms around the boy’s waist to hold him close. When he realized the boy had stopped kissing him, he pulled back and blinked confusedly.

The boy was grimacing, almost scowling. And then he started laughing. “What’s with the speed breaks in the kiss?” he chuckled and shoved Kai back until he was pressed against the opposite wall.

Frowning, Kai asked, “What do you mean?”

The boy was still laughing. “And the hugging!” He clutched at his stomach with an arm and bent over, guffawing at the top of his lungs. “Do you think you’re making out with your mother?”

“I… For the record, I’ve been told that I’m a great kisser,” Kai argued defensively.

“Yeah, Mr Romeo, you sure are,” he scoffed and ran a hand through his hair. “I bet you even have a girlfriend.”

Kai frowned deeper. “I do.”

The boy’s eyes widened. “Shocks. Why are you hooking up with me, then?”

Kai sighed and slumped his shoulders against the wall. “I had a fight with her. I kind of forgot our three-week anniversary and she went all berserk about that. So, then I got her a very appropriate gown and she thinks it’s monstrous because it covers up her skin unlike the rest of her clothes. It’s impossible to understand women sometimes.”

“Pfft,” the boy let out and rolled his eyes. “Only for sexist male chauvinistic pigs like you.”

“What? I’m not a—”

“Why don’t you break up with her if you don’t like how she dresses?”

“She’s hot.”

“Are you rich?” he asked.

Kai’s eyebrows furrowed. “What does that have to do with any of this?”

“Answer me.”

After a moment of reluctance, Kai said, “Yes. Well, my family is.”

“How rich? Like on a scale from Charles Foster Kane to Jay Gatsby.”

Kai scratched the back of his head. “I’m a Gordon Gekko.”

“Ah,” the boy sang. “So, let me guess. You have a French model wannabe for a girlfriend, who doesn’t really care if you have the flu, unless she finds something fancy on the Cartier creations catalogue.”

“That’s not true,” Kai muttered. “She’s German.”

The boy burst into a ferocious laughter and Kai grinned to himself. “How very sad…” He stepped closer and took hold of Kai’s jacket, adjusting the collar. Kai stared at the boy’s plump, pink lips. He leaned in to steal another kiss, but the boy pushed him away and laughed. “Nope.”

“Really?” Kai asked with a pout.

“Yes, really,” he sniggered. “Shall we?”

Kai raised an eyebrow. “What? Where are we going?”

“We’re getting out of here. I’m hungry. Let’s get something to eat, Gordon Gekko and you can tell me all about your German girlfriend.”

Kai followed him out of the pub. “My name is Kai, by the way.”

“Like the Bajoran Kai?” he gasped dramatically as they stumbled out of the pub and hailed a cab.

“Oh, God, you’re a Trekkie?!” Kai exclaimed. The boy turned back and stuck his tongue out, holding his hand up with his fingers parted, making the Vulcan Salute.

“Dif-tor heh smusma,” the boy said.

Kai high-fived with his own Vulcan Salute and they chuckled, spilling into a cab that halted for them.

“And you are?” Kai asked once they were in the backseat.

“Gay.”

Kai snorted. “Got that figured when you had your tongue inches down my throat.”

The cabbie stared at them through the rear-view mirror then.

“Dundee,” the boy said.

“Your name is _Dundee_?” Kai asked.

Rolling his eyes, the boy looked at him. “Dundee Diner. The best place for waffles in London.”

“Waffles for dinner?” Kai said sceptically.

“Aw. Are you one of those preppy boys that should be in bed by nine?”

Kai huffed and dropped his head. “I have a very strict father.”

“Figures,” he scoffed. “Don’t worry, Kai.” He draped an arm over Kai’s shoulders. “I will show you how to live life to the fullest in just one night. And I’m Sehun.”

“So, you _are_ Korean.”

“Not exactly. I can’t speak Korean. I was born and raised in the US all my life, and so were my parents. Now, I’m in England to escape from my parents.”

 

* * *

 

 

 RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO HELL

 

“So, are _you_ rich?” Kai asked while they waited for their food, seated at the counter of the shoddy diner.

“Am I rich,” Sehun mused, idly staring at the menu card, though they had already made their order. Two plates of Jumbo Maple Waffles with bacon and scrambled eggs. Kai thought it was silly to have breakfast for dinner but he was not going to be picky.

“Yes, are you rich?”

“Well,” he drawled and put the menu card aside to face Kai with a playful smirk. “On a scale from Charlie Bucket to Oscar the Grouch, I’m an Eliza Doolittle.”

Kai scoffed out a chuckle and shook his head. “I take it that you’re not rich.”

“Definitely not rich enough to sport a Bvlgari Diagono,” he said, jerking his chin at Kai’s wrist watch.

“What do you do here, then?”

“Freelance photographing,” Sehun said. “You?”

“Why don’t you second-guess?”

“Hmm,” Sehun hummed and shifted in his seat, as though to get a better look at Kai. “A postgraduate.”

“Accurate. Business school. MBA.”

“Whoa. Really?”

“Why is that such a shock?”

Sehun shrugged. “You don’t look like the business type.”

Kai sighed. “You got me. I wanted to do music.”

“So, why didn’t you?”

“Well, my musical talent would not help my father’s company in any way. So…”

“Ah. So, you put your dreams aside and strode on a path you’re not all too keen on following. What a self-sacrificing gentleman you are.”

“More like an obedient son. What would you have done? I can’t just let myself get kicked out of my home and be disowned by my dad just so that I can pursue my dreams, which might not even turn out how I want them to be.”

“That’s precisely what I would have done,” Sehun said and patted Kai on the chest. “I would have taken the chance. I would have risked it all if I believed that my happiness was down _that_ road.”

Kai frowned, brooding over it for a moment. “Life isn’t all that simple.”

“It is,” Sehun argued. “You need to look at life like it is the last day on earth every day. There is a clear difference between having a life and living it.” He then whistled a familiar tune and started singing. “ _I got a Molotov cocktail with a match to go. I smoke my cigarette with style and—_ ”

“ _I can tell you honey, you can make my money tonight_ ,” Kai sang, joining him.

Sehun laughed. “You know your Nightrain.”

“I’m ready to be surprised again and again all night long,” Kai let out, unable to hide his teeth behind his wide grin.

“Jumbo Waffles for two pretty boys,” the waitress said as she served them their respective plates.

“I need to hear you sing properly one day,” Sehun remarked as they dug into the waffles.

“You’d be blown away,” Kai said. “I really have a talent.”

Sehun’s eyebrows rose. “And it knows how to gloat.”

Kai snickered. “Only because I’m actually very good.”

“Let me be the judge of that.”

*

It felt like a magical night. His head was light and so was his heart. He realized these were the sort of things one would do with their best friend. Kai, unfortunately, never had one before in his life. Most of his friends were afraid of his money and those who weren’t were afraid of his peculiar personality. He was not strange or anything. Just quiet, reserved, introverted, and unable to gel with anyone. Until tonight.

“Where are we going now?” he asked as he climbed up a fire escape, following Sehun to a rooftop of a building. The night was only getting younger and Kai wished that it would never come to an end. He realized that this was what happiness truly felt life. Free and liberated. This was far better than any hook-up.

The cold wind slapped him across the face and mussed his hair when he reached the rooftop of a derelict apartment building.

“This,” Sehun said, turning around to face Kai with a goofy grin. “is my happy place. I come here when the world gets too much.” He held up a bottle of whiskey and Kai stared at him.

“Where did you get that from?”

“Oh, I stole it from the bar we just crossed.”

“I was with you the whole time… When did you—wait, you _stole_ it?!”

Sehun stuck his tongue out and laughed. “It’s not that I can’t afford it. But it’s much more thrilling this way.”

“So, you’re an adrenaline junkie,” Kai commented as he found a seat beside Sehun on the roof.

Sehun gulped a mouthful of whiskey from the bottle while Kai watched his face get all scrunched up in the bitterness. “Here,” Sehun said, handing Kai the bottle.

“You’re crazy, you know,” Kai scoffed and downed the alcohol.

They sat in silence for a moment before Sehun started humming another familiar tune. Kai loved it. He loved everything about Sehun, though it had only been a few hours since they met. It was unbelievable.

Kai’s phone buzzed in his pocket then and he fished out, sighing at the over-elaborate message from his girlfriend.

“Is that your girlfriend?” Sehun asked.

“Yeah,” Kai sighed and smiled at the phone.

“Scale one to April O’Neil, how hot is she that you’re so damn whipped?”

Kai faked a scowl at him. “It’s not just because she’s hot. She’s… nice.”

“She’s nice,” Sehun broke into another laugh and swilled more whiskey. “I bet you’re so deeply in love with her.

“Oh, and suddenly you’re also a love expert.”

“You don’t have to be a love expert to know the difference between lust and love.”

“What is the difference?”

Sehun pursed his lips and the conviviality disappeared from his face momentarily, replaced by something sober and dour. “Love hurts,” he muttered lifelessly, lowering his gaze. “Fools say that it’s the greatest strength, but for those who have actually felt the pain of it… there could not be a greater weakness.”

Kai sat up straighter and quietly observed the distress in Sehun’s expression.

“It’s a pain like no other,” Sehun whispered.

“Sounds like you know the pain all too well,” Kai said in a low voice, scooting closer.

Sehun let out a sigh and reclined on the ground, throwing his legs over Kai’s lap. “I was in the second year of college. Lucas was in the final year. He was my… everything and I was his… hobby. And then… he found a new hobby, said that he can’t be with another boy.”

“I’m sorry,” Kai said, unable to understand why Sehun looked in so much pain as he spoke. People got into relationships that fell through all the time. He did not understand why some people, like Sehun himself, loved romanticizing the _pain_ of falling in love. It only existed in romance novels and sappy movies. It astonished him a little to hear someone say it in reality. Especially someone as carefree as Sehun. Perhaps he had judged the boy all too soon.

“It took me forever to erase every trace of him… But I couldn’t really erase my memories of him, could I?” Sehun exhaled heavily and sat up again. He looked at Kai and sniggered. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Kai said. “I know that love can hurt, too.”

Sehun pinned him with a mocking smirk. “Sure.”

Kai shrugged. He started humming and when he saw Sehun smiling at him knowingly, he sang, “ _Makin’ love, cheap heartbreaker, broken backed nasty ballbreaker—_ ”

“ _Stay out of my bed, out of my head. If it's lovin’ you, I’m better off dead_ ,” Sehun finished.

Kai smirked back. “You know your Back off Bitch.”

“Good to know there’s still some tasteful souls left in this world,” Sehun chortled.

“You know what.” Kai gulped another mouthful of whiskey and said, “you should definitely come by my apartment tomorrow and have dinner with me and Cara. You’d see how in love we both are and how hot she is.”

Sehun snatched the whiskey bottle from Kai and grinned sheepishly. “All right! Tomorrow. 8pm?”

Before Kai could reply, Sehun slipped a hand into Kai’s jacket pocket and pulled out Kai’s phone. “What’s your passcode?” Sehun asked.

“Um, 1204,” he answered.

Sehun saved his phone number in Kai’s contacts before handing the phone back. “Text me your address later.”

By the time they had drained the whiskey bottle, they were giggling about fat tigers and short-tempered old men.

“One time, I almost rear-ended this man’s car and he just exploded in the middle of the road,” Sehun said with his head resting on Kai’s lap.

Kai let out a breathy snort. “Bet that’s the only time you ever rear-ended anyone.”

Sehun playfully slapped a side of Kai’s head and clutched at his hair, yanking it until Kai surrendered with an apology. “I have topped before, okay. Believe it or not, there are thirstier twinks than I.”

“I wouldn’t know. I haven’t really… been with a lot of men.”

“Judging by the way you made out with me, I could tell that you haven’t been with a lot of women either.”

Kai shoved Sehun’s head off his lap.

 

 

* * *

 

PERFECT CRIME

 

The evening was calm and serene. Unlike Kai’s thumping heart. He tried to distract himself while he waited restlessly.

He tried working on his homework, he leaped from one end of the apartment to the other, he stood by the glass wall and stared at the straggles of buildings, he watched the sun slowly sink in the sky, he kept leering at the clock, he flipped the TV on and off, he danced around the apartment to his playlist, he texted Cara a few times and then tried calling her when she did not reply. He could not believe she had not returned even though he had informed her early in the morning that they were hosting a friend of his tonight for dinner.

Earlier today, he had also messaged Sehun to confirm that he could be expected.

_Are you coming?_

_Ohhh, yes, baby! Harder, deeper!_

Kai blushed then. He was not exactly a prude but he was definitely not as barefaced and point-blank like Sehun.

_You’re unbelievable._

_:)_

Kai impatiently took a look at the time again. It was already ten past eight. Neither Cara nor Sehun was there. Kai heaved a sigh and plumped on the couch, dropping his feet on the coffee table.

All his life, he had believed that he lacked the luck of experiencing a great friendship. He never liked people. Especially loud and peppy people. Sehun was both loud and peppy, but he lived in his own world. And Kai would love and kill to be a part of that world. Even it is just a small, insignificant part.

The doorbell rang and Kai froze for a moment. Then jolting up to his feet, he raced to the door, pausing briefly before the mirror to neaten his hair. He sucked in a deep breath and pulled the door open.

“Hi!” he rasped when he found Sehun grinning at him, holding a pot of cactus in his hands. Kai blinked, arching a curious brow. “What? The florist ran out of flowers?”

“I don’t like flowers,” Sehun said and handed Kai the pot before he shoved past Kai and entered the apartment. Kai frowned at the cactus for a moment as he closed the door. “Wow,” Sehun whistled, glancing around the apartment. “You really are a Gordon Gekko. I always wanted a rich friend.”

Kai settled the cactus on the kitchen island and joined Sehun’s side. “Well, make yourself at home. Mi casa es su casa.”

Sehun peeled his coat off and dropped on the couch, smiling from ear to ear. “And where’s the lady?”

“Um.” Kai rubbed the back of his neck. “She went out for shopping in the morning and isn’t back yet. She’d be here in a moment, though.”

Sehun smirked that all-knowing smirk, cocking an eyebrow. “Here. Why don’t I help you make up another story for later. She was blown away to the Land of Oz by a tornado?”

Kai groaned as he perched on the coffee table. “She is real.”

“Oh, I believe you.”

Shaking his head, Kai eyed the cactus. “What’s with the weird gift?”

“Flowers are sad,” Sehun said. “They’re pretty one moment and they’re horrifying the other, like they’re diseased and dying away. Thorns, on the other hand, are formidable and redoubtable.”

“I’m guessing you think of yourself as the latter.”

“It’s not that deep, dude. Now, are you gonna get me something to drink or are we waiting for your very real German girlfriend?”

Kai rolled his eyes and kicked Sehun’s foot as he got up and sauntered into the kitchen. “Wine? Or beer?”

“I’m a very simple guy.”

“Is there ever a straight answer from you?”

“Oh, please,” Sehun moaned and jumped up to his feet. “Straight is so boring.” He took his seat on the kitchen counter stool and beamed at Kai. “Beer.”

Kai handed him a bottle and leaned over the counter across Sehun.

“So, what’s for dinner?” Sehun asked.

“Hmm. Wait,” Kai said and turned around to grab a box of cereal before he grabbed the milk carton from the fridge. He then slid a bowl and a spoon over to Sehun.

Sehun looked at him confusedly.

“Well, since you like having breakfast for dinner, I figured why not,” Kai said and grinned. That was when he received a spoon to the forehead, which Sehun hurled at him.

“I’m going home.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” Kai said quickly and bolted to Sehun’s side to hold him in place. “I was just kidding, Jesus!” He stared at his hands on Sehun’s shoulders and helplessly watched his thumbs make their way to Sehun’s collarbones. “Ouch!” he gasped when Sehun slapped his hands off.

“Are you still fighting with your girlfriend?” he asked, crooking his fingers in an attempt to make air quotes.

“No, why?”

“Then why are you letting your hands wander, Mr Kim Kai?”

Kai did not exactly recall when he had told Sehun his surname, but it didn’t matter. “So, we will never… pick up where we left off?” he asked.

“Never,” Sehun declared. “I don’t sleep with my friends and I usually don’t befriend my party hook-ups.”

“Why did you give me the honour of becoming your friend, then?”

“Because you were so pitiful, all sad like a puppy because you were fighting with your one true love,” Sehun said, puckering his lips in a mocking pout.

“Ha-ha.” Kai grabbed Sehun’s pouting lips and tugged at them until Sehun hissed and slapped his hand away. “I was thinking about cooking a fancy meal for you with Cara, but since she’s not around, we might as well order a pizza or something. Is that okay?”

Sehun smiled. “I told you. I’m a simple man.”

*

“The legend once said, ‘I’m not God but if I were God, ¾ of you would be girls, and the rest would be pizza and beer.’ These are words to live by,” Kai said and took another bite of his slice of pizza before taking a light sip of the beer as they lay sprawled on the floor with Guns N’ Roses playing on the stereo.

“Nah-uh,” Sehun muttered. “That’s great for people who like girls. But he also said, ‘Life sucks. But in a beautiful kind of way.’ We could definitely live by that.”

“How come you’re hanging out with a guy like me?”

Sehun arched an eyebrow, munching on his slice of pizza. He apparently liked anchovies, capers, pineapples, olives, pepperoni, and mushrooms on his pizza. Kai had not dared to try one yet.

“A guy like you?” Sehun echoed.

“I mean, don’t gays usually hang out with straight girls because, you know, they have more in common to share?”

Sehun sat up straight and picked on the olives. “Are you saying you and I don’t have common interests?”

“Well, you’re obviously a Trekkie like me. You must be the only gay that likes rock music. I don’t know, I mean… gays usually do the girl stuff, don’t they?”

“That is an offensive stereotype, my friend. And just because you  _clearly_  have a girlfriend, it doesn’t mean you can say shit straight people say.”

“But just to clear things out, I am  _not_  gay,” Kai said.

Sehun shrugged. “If you say so.”

“I mean, I don’t like these labels. I should get to decide what I want to be called, you know.”

“Agreed,” Sehun sighed. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

Kai worried his lower lip, staring at the flat planes of Sehun’s stomach exposed by his raised t-shirt, which Sehun was probably not aware of. “I’m a busy man,” Kai said, though he literally had no plans.

“Like I care. You and I are going out tomorrow.”

“Where?”

“It’s a surprise,” Sehun said and winked. “Be ready, sharp at 10 in the morning.”

“Is it something I will hate doing?”

“Does it matter? You’re doing it, anyway.” He tossed a slice of his pizza onto Kai’s plate and Kai frowned.

“Who even eats pizza with anchovies?” he whined, scowling.

“Legends,” Sehun said, wriggling his eyebrows.

Kai clenched an eye close as he took a bite of the slice. Sehun watched, biting his smiling lip, as Kai chewed slowly and eventually swallowed. “Okay, it isn’t as bad as I thought it’d be,” Kai admitted.

“Yay!” Sehun exclaimed.

They ate in silence for a moment.

“You still haven’t answered my question, though,” Kai said.

Sehun stole the olives from Kai’s slice and popped them into his mouth. “I am friends with everyone whom I can be comfortable with.”

Kai nodded and dropped his gaze.

“Aw,” Sehun chimed and prodded a finger into the side of Kai’s head. “Did you think you were special or something?”

“No,” Kai muttered under his breath and shoved Sehun away. “You know a lot about me now. Tell me something about you.”

Sehun lied down and dropped his feet on Kai’s thigh. Kai licked his lips, fighting the urge to touch Sehun’s toes. “I like playing tennis, dancing, swimming, showing up at the book club and judging everyone that pairs red with pink, and avoiding my parents’ phone calls.”

“Why are you avoiding them?”

“Because they are very religious Christians.”

“Oh,” Kai let out and let the topic drop. “My family is very religious, too.”

“Can I ask you something?”

Kai blinked at Sehun. “Yes.”

Sehun sat up again and slouched. “Why are you… friends with  _me_?”

Was there a clear answer to that? Kai was not sure. He was not sure why he was suddenly friends with a guy he had literally met last night in hope to get laid. But this… friendship between them sounded promising and he knew he wanted to share Sehun’s carefreeness and insouciance.

“I don’t have a lot of friends like you,” Kai admitted. “Actually, I don’t have a lot of friends…”

Sehun stared at him and then faintly smiled. “I don’t really have a lot of friends that I like either.”

“Does that mean you like me?”

“Hmm… Still too soon to judge.”

“You were quick to judge that I’m no good in bed last night.”

Sehun laughed. “It doesn’t take a genius to know that. But we’re friends now,” he said and held out a greasy hand. Kai looked vacantly at it. “Friends.”

Friends.

Kai bowed his head and with a smile, he took and shook Sehun’s hand.

The door that swung open ended their conversation. Sehun looked at Kai with surprise glossing in his eyes. “That must be Cara,” Kai said and glanced at the door. Cara stumbled in, struggling with shopping bags. It was a sight Kai had gotten accustomed to. “Hey, honey.”

Cara took a moment to spot Kai and Sehun on the floor in the living area. “Oh. Hi,” she sang, removing her sunglasses.

Kai smirked, facing Sehun again. “Told you she’s real and hot.”

Sehun was grimacing. “She’s… wearing shades at 11pm.”

Kai scowled. “Besides the point.”

“We’re having guests?” Cara asked as she wobbled her way to the couch and dropped the bags on it, panting heavily.

“I told you he’d be joining us for dinner tonight,” Kai said calmly, not wanting to sound harsh, thus circumventing an unnecessary argument, which would cost him a sexy night later. “This is Sehun.”

“Oh. Must have slipped my mind,” she giggled and held a hand down to Sehun. “My name is Cara Berger. But you can call me Cara.”

Sehun’s face crumpled in something like disgust. “Cara is… your first name, right? What else could I possibly call you?”

Cara giggled again and said, “Precisely.”

Sehun pinned Kai with a look of disbelief while Cara took her faux fur coat off and revealed her over-the-top dress. “Pizza, Cara?” Sehun offered.

“Oh, no. I don’t take too much protein.”

Sehun blinked. “You mean carb?”

“Precisely,” she chimed and grinned. Sehun was now stifling a laughter. Kai frowned and looked away. “Well, if you need me, I’ll be in the bath, Sehun.”

“You want me to come look for you in the bath if I needed you?” Sehun asked, his breaths sounding like a mocking laughter now.

“Precisely,” she said and ruffled Sehun’s hair. “Oh, you’re cute. Isn’t he, Kai? I didn’t know you had such a cute friend.”

Sehun stared at Kai, lips pursed tightly to bite back on chuckle, and mouthed, ‘I’m cute.’

Kai groaned and downed the rest of his beer.

“How did you two meet?” Sehun asked Cara.

As Kai answered, ‘online’, Cara simultaneously said, ‘café.’ Sehun licked his grinning lips and drank more beer.

“You guys seem like a perfect couple,” he said.

“Thank you,” Cara sang, squeezing Kai’s shoulders before he rose to his feet and pressed a kiss on his girlfriend’s cheek.

“Sehun was just leaving, wasn’t he?” he said, looking at Sehun sharply.

“Oh, yes,  _precisely_ ,” Sehun drawled, mimicking Cara, and stood up. “Anyway, nice meeting you, gold-digger—” He coughed and quickly said, “Cara Berger.”

“Same here, Sehun,” Cara squealed and gave Sehun a brief hug. “You can drop by anytime you want.”

“Thanks.” Sehun picked up his bag and donned his spectacles on his way to the door. Kai went after him as Cara disappeared in the bedroom.

“You’re mean,” Kai mumbled, frowning.

“Aw, baby, don’t pout,” Sehun said and tried to take hold of Kai’s chin before he flinched away, laughing, when Kai snapped his teeth, threatening to bite his fingers off. “Still wanna be friends with me?”

Kai stared at Sehun’s unsparing smile and unforgiving eyes. God, he was the kind of beautiful that was rare and merciless. From the eyelashes that framed his eyelids to the curve of his upper lip, from the line of his jaw to the notch between his collarbones, from the dark humour he was built on to the liveliness and colours that surrounded him. Everything about him was infectious and beautiful. Life was meant to be this beautiful. He was like a silver lining in the greyest cloud.

Of course, at that time, as Kai studied all these little things that sculptured Sehun to be this beautiful and buoyant, he did not know this was the first stage of falling in love, for that he had never been in love before.

It God, it made his chest hurt.

 

 

 

HAIR OF THE DOG

 

“Can you at least tell me  _now_  where we’re going?” Kai grumbled as Sehun hauled him past the shop lots and morning crowd.

“I told you, we’re getting coffee.”

“You did not make me get out of bed at 7am for a cup of coffee!” Kai hissed and Sehun came to a halt to look back at Kai in surprise.

“You woke up at 7 for our appointment at 10?” he rasped, half-grinning.

Kai pursed his lips and looked away nervously. “I mean…”

“Someone’s excited,” Sehun muttered and took hold of Kai’s arm again, dragging him down the street.

“I didn’t wake up just to meet you, okay?” Kai lied, poorly at that too. “I have other duties and responsibilities.”

“Uh-huh. Sure. Tell me,” Sehun gasped enthusiastically as he turned around, but kept walking backward. “Did you and Cara Berger, who  _prefers_  to be called Cara, do  _it_  last night?”

Kai glowered. “That is none of your business. And FYI, she is not a gold-digger.”

“Oh, come on, Kai. We both know you’re just fooling yourself,” Sehun groaned and stopped in his tracks, pressing his hands to Kai’s chest. “You are bloody sexy. And you’re rich. As hell. Put two and two together. You don’t need a math genius to find a solution.”

“I don’t care even if she is a gold-digger, okay?”

Sehun raised his hands in defeat and sighed. “Okay, okay. That is your business. But you are in that place in life where you need to taste all the  _real_  things. Not the fake ones. Yes, I am talking about her boobs.”

Kai shoved Sehun back and tried to kick his ass as Sehun ran, skipping away, laughing his lungs out. “You know,” Kai said when he caught up with Sehun. “I have never had a gay friend before.”

“Big day for you, then,” Sehun said, smiling. “Come on.” He seized Kai’s hand and dragged him into a store. Kai froze at the entrance when he saw the crowd in the room with mirrored walls. A large proportion of the people there consisted of old women. Some were young. They were dancing.

Sehun set his bag aside and pulled Kai to the middle of the crowd. Kai glanced around him. No one was paying him any heed as they danced, following the dance instructor’s movements. Sehun tugged at Kai’s jacket and frowned, tacitly ordering him to dance.

Kai shook his head and excused himself.

“Kai!” Sehun hissed and hurried after him. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m a singer,” Kai said as he spun around. “A very good one at that. But I’m not a dancer.”

Sehun scowled. “No one is here! We’re here to learn and have a good time. Come on. Don’t be a party-pooper.”

“You go ahead,” Kai sighed. “I’ll just wait outside.”

Sehun grabbed Kai’s shirt collar then and tugged at it. “Look at me, Kim Kai,” he spat through his teeth. Kai’s eyes widened. “Forsake the Freddie Mercury in you for a moment and unleash the Ginger Rogers in you. You want to be passionate? Be passionate! Do all the things that bloody scare you. You’re doing Cara Berger. Dancing can’t be much worse than that. Come on!”

Kai exhaled shakily and nodded. His head felt light and heavy at the same time. “Okay,” he let out and brushed past Sehun. “Unleash the Ginger Rogers in me,” he murmured under his breath as he snaked his arms around an old woman’s hips. She froze and gasped lightly, looking back at Kai in horror. Then chuckling, she took Kai’s hand and let him lead the dance. They were dancing out of coordination with the rest of them but within seconds, all eyes were on them, and Kai, well, he unleashed the Ginger Rogers in him.

Applauses and cheers followed as Kai broke free for a moment and danced in whichever random and silly way his feet took him. Sehun was watching, laughing, clapping, smiling with that deadly smile that could knock anyone out.

When he was done, he fell against Sehun, fighting for breath and Sehun wrapped his arms around him, patting his back. “Good job, Rogers,” Sehun laughed and Kai beamed brightly at him, pulling back.

As they made their way out back to the platform, Kai let out a hearty guffaw. “That was the best thing I’ve done in my life!” he cried, throwing an arm over Sehun’s shoulders.

“Yes. I am impressed,” Sehun said.

“Oh, wait until you hear me sing to be  _really_  impressed!”

Sehun halted dead in his tracks as his face turned grim and threatful.

“What?” Kai asked.

“Sing,” Sehun said, crossing his arms over his chest, and it sounded like an order.

“Huh?”

“Sing, dude,” Sehun spat. “Let’s end this here. I can’t stand another second of your self-love and immodesty. So, sing. Let’s get this over with.”

Kai blinked. “Right… here?”

“All great singers have been platform performers,” Sehun muttered. “Sing now or you may never sing again.”

Kai opened his mouth and closed it again, swallowing a lump. Sehun huffed heavily and started to walk away. “Okay. Wait,” Kai rasped and cleared his throat. Casting his eyes to the ground, he started singing. His voice shook at first but as he raised his head and met Sehun’s awestruck gaze, he sounded firmer, more confident.

When he was done, he cocked his eyebrow at Sehun, smirking. “Come on. Bring on the praises,” Kai said and fingered Sehun’s lips playfully. “The compliments are already on the tip of your tongue.”

“Wow,” Sehun exhaled. “You’re… awful.”

Kai dropped his hand to his side and gawked at Sehun stupidly. Then he laughed. “Very funny.”

“No, I’m serious,” Sehun said and Kai’s laughter died. “It’s clear that you’ve never felt any strong emotions in life. Singing a tune does not make a great song, let alone a great singer. Your singing lacks emotions and feelings. It’s almost like you’re reading middle school poetry. First,” he said and prodded a finger into Kai’s chest. “you have to feel either the ecstatic feeling of happiness or the horror of a heartache. Get your heart broken first. Then maybe you’d sing better. You definitely have the voice but—”

“You’re so mean,” Kai mumbled, frowning. He had always heard people tell him how good of a singer he was. This was the first time someone had told him how much and what he lacked. He was not even sure that Sehun was being serious or if his criticism was legit, but he believed it.

Sehun smiled. “Truth hurts, doesn’t it?”

“No. _You_  hurt me.” He walked away, shoving past Sehun.

“Aw, you’re such a baby! Your family must have catered to your every whim! A spoiled child, weren’t you?”

“And what were you? The meanie, the bully, the foul-mouth?!”

“Actually, yes,” Sehun sighed and hooked his arm around Kai’s. “No one really liked me in my family.”

“I am not surprised.”

“Oh, come on,” Sehun chuckled and nuzzled the tip of his nose against Kai’s cheek. “You like me don’t you?”

 “Where did you even come from?”

“I fell from the heaven, don’t you know that?” Sehun flashed a toothy grin. “Just for you, Kim Kai.”

Kai rolled his eyes. “Well, it would actually make sense if you’re a fallen because you’re definitely Satan.”

“Now, you’re starting to be clued in.”

“So, croissant and donuts for dinner tonight?”

Sehun bit his smiling lip. “You like me. Don’t you? You like me.”

Kai slyly smirked.

*

 _“_ Did _you like him?” the interviewer asked._

_Kai did not need to ponder much to find an answer to that question. If it had been asked at that time, some four years ago, near the dance studio, on a fine morning, with a cool breeze whispering on his cheeks, he mightnot havet had an answer. But the maturity and sagacity that he lacked all those years were present now, and he knew the answer._

_“I did,” he said. “But on that day, I didn’t know how I liked him and… how much I was starting to like him. It was friendship that bloomed between us and before we knew it, there was something more than that. I wanted to embrace it. But he was terribly afraid of it. To him, love was something painful. Friendship was peaceful, on the other hand.”_

_“When did you finally realize that until that moment, you had_ never _fallen or been in love?”_

 _Kai considered the question for a moment. He smiled. “When I began to feel the pain he always spoke of. And… when I did, I didn’t think I’d survive. Until that point, I never believed something that was commonly accepted and promoted as wonderful and beautiful could also be so_ suffocating _and_ painful _. But that was the thing. There was a beauty in that pain, too. Though as insignificant as a whisper in a windstorm.”_

 

 

 

DOUBLE TALKIN' JIVE

Soon, it was autumn, London, 2013.

Halloween was around the corner. Kai had grown used to looking forward to every new day when he went to bed at night, so that he could talk to or meet Sehun in the morning. Sometimes, he even gave up on sleep to text Sehun all night long. Soon, Sehun was all that he thought of and he was all that mattered.

Perhaps that was the main reason why he had stopped paying Cara any attention while she continued to feed off his bankcards and cheques. So long it kept her happy and distracted, Kai could not care less. Then one day, he came home early from classes to find his girlfriend on his bed with another guy. It was cool. Really. Kai did not throw a fit in front of her as she gaped at him in shock. He stormed out of the apartment and called Sehun at once.

He was trembling like a leaf. Sehun did not answer the call. Kai slammed his head against the elevator’s wall and gushed out when the elevator dinged open. He dialled for Sehun again.

This time, Sehun answered. “ _Helloow_?”

“God, Sehun,” Kai gasped, wiping a tear from a corner of his eye. “I need to see you.”

“Now? I’m at a friend’s—”

“Yes, now!” Kai snapped, bursting out of the apartment building.

“What’s wrong? Are you crying?”

“Y-Yes… N-No! I’m not crying. I need to get sloshed bad. Cara… Cara’s cheating on me with some other guy!”

Sehun was silent on the other end of the line for a moment. Then he let out a sigh and said, “All right. Let’s meet.”

*

“Slow down,” Sehun grumbled as Kai downed another shot of tequila.

“How dare she?!” Kai cried and snivelled. “I loved her! How could she just… go on and cheat on me?!”

Sehun was mum. He was not even meeting Kai’s gaze anymore.

“She broke my trust. God, everything was so good… Maybe it was me,” Kai gasped and cried some more. He ordered another pair of shots and quaffed them too. “It was all my fault!” he cried and wiped his cheeks.

“Right,” Sehun muttered monotonously and grabbed hold of Kai’s arm. “That’s enough. Let’s get you home.”

Kai wailed and mumbled out a jumble of curses as Sehun dragged him out of the bar. “It hurts, Sehun! How could she?! This is not fair!”

Sehun hailed a cab and shoved Kai into the backseat before he jumped in. “Tell him your address,” he spat and Kai threw himself onto Sehun, hugging his arm. “Ugh,” Sehun grunted and pushed Kai away, scowling.

“Please,” Kai begged. “Please, don’t let me be alone tonight. Take me back to your place. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to go home.”

“Kai,” Sehun hissed when Kai collapsed against him again. Then frowning, he sighed and agreed to let Kai follow him back to his own small, but cosy apartment.

As they stumbled out of the cab with Kai heavily clinging onto Sehun’s arm, Sehun groaned annoyedly and paid the cabbie the fare. “Can you at least stand straight?” he snapped at Kai.

“I can’t believe she’d do this to me. Why, Sehun?!”

“God,” Sehun snarled and pulled his arm free from Kai’s grip. “Shit,” he gasped when Kai tumbled to the ground and laid there for a moment, crying his eyeballs out. “Get up!” Sehun hissed.

“No!” Kai wailed.

“Fine. I’m leaving.”

“Huh?” Kai paused his weeping for a second and looked up at Sehun, who was already walking away. “Wait!” He quickly scrambled onto his feet and hurried after Sehun. Blood was pounding in his ear as the world spun around him. He clung onto Sehun’s back when he caught up with him.

Sehun dragged half of Kai’s weight up the stairs, all the way to the apartment. “Sit,” he then ordered, pointing at the single seater sofa.

Kai sank in the sofa and bleated, snivelled, and threw a fit. That was when Sehun’s hand flew up and slammed Kai across his face mercilessly. That moment, all that Kai could do was gawk at Sehun with his jaw slack.

“Shut up!” Sehun roared. “Shut the hell up before I push you out the window.”

Kai blinked, holding the side of his face that was struck by Sehun’s palm mercilessly. “Wh-Whaa…?”

“Do you think you’re heartbroken?” Sehun asked, eyebrows raised. “Huh? Do you think what you’re feeling is pain?!” He poked a finger into Kai’s chest. “Is it funny to you? Do you even know what real heartbreak feels like?”

“What?” Kai mewled on the verge of tears. Not because he was sad that Cara had cheated on him but because he was shocked that Sehun had gotten angry and had just slapped him.

“It would feel like someone is repeatedly stomping on your chest! Do you feel that?!” Sehun growled, backhanding Kai on his chest again and again until Kai hissed in pain.

“You have stones for knuckles!” he shrieked and caught Sehun’s hand.

Yanking his hand back, Sehun jabbed him on his chest again. “Does that hurt?!”

“Yes! Stop it!”

“If you’re really heartbroken, it’d hurt twice as much, every single second of your damned life! You’re just being a drama queen!” He fisted Kai’s shirt and shoved him towards the door. “Get out.”

With that Sehun stormed off, marching up the spiral staircase. Kai wiped the tears from his cheeks and tore his jacket off before he climbed into Sehun’s bed. He drew the duvet over his body after kicking the shoes off. Though sleep kept tugging at his eyelids, he stayed away, replaying the anguish in Sehun’s face and the truth in his words over and over. He wondered how hurt Sehun truly was that he sounded so tortured and crippled with heartache.

As he slowly began to drift off to sleep, Sehun descended the spiral staircase of his apartment and paused at the bottom to stare at Kai curled up in his bed.

“I’m sorry,” Kai drew out his vowels sleepily with his eyes half-lidded. Sehun smiled softly then as he climbed into the bed.

“Don’t be an idiot again,” Sehun muttered and turned his back to Kai.

Sighing, Kai curled his arm around Sehun’s waist and squeezed closer to his back. He pressed his nose to the nape of Sehun’s neck and inhaled the scent of Sehun’s skin.

“Are you really sad?” Sehun asked in a low whisper.

Kai hummed in response.

“I’m sorry,” Sehun said.

“Don’t be,” Kai mumbled, tightening his arm around Sehun’s body.

He buried his nose in Sehun’s damp hair that had just been washed and sniffed the lemony fragrance of his shampoo. “You didn’t love her, did you?” Sehun asked.

Kai slid his hand into Sehun’s oversized t-shirt and twiddled aimlessly with the waistband of Sehun’s boxers before Sehun pulled his hand out and clicked his tongue to warn Kai off. “I think we have established the fact that I know nothing about love and heartbreaks.”

Sehun exhaled heavily. “I’m sorry if I made you think that… I didn’t mean to sound patronizing.”

“It’s okay,” Kai whispered. “because I think you were right.”

Perhaps it was the booze that made him wonder what touching Sehun would feel like now. The first time he had kissed Sehun at the pub, it had meant absolutely nothing. But if they kissed now… Even the mere thought of feeling the warmth of Sehun’s lips upon his own stirred the blood in Kai’s loins. The urge was raw and feral. Like a predator hungering for its prey. Kai had never felt such a longing. He wanted to reach out and cup Sehun’s face in his hands. He wanted to smother Sehun with his kisses. He wanted to hold Sehun.

But it would destroy everything they had built so delicately between them. The trust, the friendship, the assurance. Kai did not want to risk it. Not for some cheap thrills and certainly not for some momentary lust.

Was it just lust, then? Was the longing in his heart due to lust? Must be. If so, Kai had never felt such lust before. It clutched at him demandingly and made him imagine obscenities.

He heard Sehun’s breathing shallow. Swallowing hard, Kai pressed a soft, experimental kiss to the back of Sehun’s neck and waited to see if Sehun would react. He didn’t. So, Kai brushed his lips along the side of Sehun’s neck.

“Kai,” Sehun called in a raspy breath then. He turned his head and frowned at Kai. “Please, don’t.” It was a plea. A prayer. He was beseeching Kai to stop before he destroyed them any further.

Kai withdrew his arm and slid away, forging a safe distance between their bodies on the bed. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“No, it’s okay,” Sehun said, eyelids drooping low. “It’s just that… let’s not… ruin what we have, okay?”

Kai did not respond. He did not how to respond.  _Ruin what we have_? Did Sehun also believe that if they slept together, they would ruin their friendship? But what if they fell in love with each other? Would that be okay? Yes. That would be okay. Of course, that would be okay. On that note, Kai willed himself to sleep while Sehun watched him.

 

 

 

 

NOVEMBER RAIN

 

As the winter came following Thanksgiving, as the snow started falling and sticking to the ground, Kai fell harder for Sehun with every word shared, with every gaze exchanged, with every moment spent.

His life began to revolve around Sehun and a little bit of music.

Their idea of a Christmas getaway was checking into an expensive and lavish countryside inn, where everything felt like home.  _Home_  was something horrid for Kai before he had met Sehun. Now, he truly believed home was where his heart was.

And his heart was here, trapped in this very moment, watching Sehun smile while Kai’s fingers plucked at the guitar strings, playing a melody that written for Sehun alone.

Sehun’s smile was sincere. He was not mocking anymore.

They sat by the fireplace in their rented room while Kai sang, playing on his guitar. When he was done, Sehun stared at him wordlessly.

“You look mesmerized,” Kai scoffed, setting the guitar aside.

Sehun shook his head and smiled once more, snapping out of his trancelike state. “You’re getting better,” he remarked.

“Are the emotions there yet?”

Sehun cocooned himself tighter in the blanket and nodded. “Some… It’s… strange. But the good kind of strange.”

“Thank you, maestro. Fishing for a compliment from you is harder than moving mountains.”

Sehun hurled a cashew nut at his head. “Maybe breaking up with Cara Berger did do you some good after all.”

Kai heavily doubted that it had anything to do with his breakup with Cara. When he was composing new music, all he needed to do was think of Sehun. As corny as it sounded, it was all that he needed to get the emotions flowing and flooding.

“Oh, it’s cold,” Kai said in a trembling breath and Sehun made some room for him. Kai squeezed into the blanket and curled up at Sehun’s side. He looked at Sehun and surveyed the striking features of his pale face. As tough as Sehun liked to act, he was in fact very soft-spoken and fragile. Which was why he had built all these walls around his heart and he never let anyone in. He wanted to be a thorn, when he had once been a flower that had withered away.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Kai said.

Sehun met his gaze. That moment, the humour had died between them and they both knew there was seriousness brewing about them. “What is it?” Sehun asked nonetheless.

Kai took a breath before continuing. “Do you… find me… you know, attractive? As in… sexually… attractive?”

Sehun blinked blankly. Then the corners of his lips quirked up in a slighting smirk. “I  _did_. When we first met. Not anymore. I mean, you’re my friend. That would be weird.”

Kai’s face wilted. He looked away and hung his head. He did not know how else to react. He could not even muster the strength to fake a plastic smile. It felt like a knife to his heart and for the first time ever, he had felt such a pain.

“Kai?” Sehun called worriedly. “Did I… say something wrong?”

Kai shook his head immediately. “No, no,” he said and gulped. “Ego got hurt, I guess.”

Sehun stared at him in shock. “Why? Do you… find me attractive? Are you attracted to me?”

Kai lifted his gaze and let his eyes bore into Sehun’s.  _Now is your chance. Say it. Pour your heart out._  “If I am?”

Sehun’s eyebrows furrowed into a sorrowful frown. “Kai,” he sighed.

“Why, Sehun? Is that so bad?” Kai said, scowling.

“No, no, it’s not that,” Sehun said, dropping his head. “But… I want you. Always and forever. And I always want to be with you. Attraction, lust, and love… ruin everything, including ourselves. I can’t… I don’t want to lose you, Kai.”

Kai was mumchance for a while. He could conceive the earnest sincerity in Sehun’s voice. He was scared. Of losing Kai, of losing this friendship. “You won’t ever leave me, will you?” Kai asked, taking hold of Sehun’s hand.

With a smile, Sehun intertwined their fingers and shook his head. “Never.”

Even with that promise, Kai felt incomplete, as though a piece of his heart had gone missing. But for the time being, this was enough and it was all that Kai could ask for. Sehun’s hand in his.

*

 _“So, you were okay with being_ just _friends with him,” said the interviewer._

_Kai sighed. “That’s the problem. I was okay with it until I realized it was not the highest paying post.”_

_“Meaning?”_

_“Meaning, being just his friend made me the weaker party. I realized that when I finally came to terms that he held someone else much dearer to his heart. I hated being that underdog and at that time, I didn’t understand why I was willing to be okay with it just for the sake of his happiness.”_

_“For how long were you okay with it?”_

_Kai smiled to himself. “Not for long. Then all at once, I crashed and burn.”_

*

“Shit, I forgot my wallet,” Kai rasped when they reached the lobby. Sehun glared grimly. “Wait here.”

“Be quick,” Sehun grumbled as he sank in one of the couches in the inn’s lobby while Kai swiftly ran back upstairs and burst into their room. He scavenged around for his wallet for a moment before finding it among the pile of dirty sheets and hurried back downstairs.

“Right. Got it. Let’s get going,” Kai said as he sauntered into the lobby but stopped when he saw Sehun frozen on his feet, facing a tall guy. Both were gawking at one another, as though they were looking at each other’s ghosts. “Sehun?” he called, walking over to him.

Sehun’s bloodshot eyes slowly turned to him and Kai’s jaw tautened. He then glanced at the taller guy and frowned. He didn’t have to recognize him to know who he was.

“We need to leave… now,” Sehun muttered shakily as he brushed past Kai and headed towards the exit.

“Sehun, wait, please,” the guy started after Sehun and almost grabbed his arm if it hadn’t been for Kai who had shoved the guy back by the chest. “Step out of my way, you blasted dirtbag,” he hissed through his grit teeth.

Kai shoved him back again, clenching his fists. “You fucking leave him alone,” he spat.

“Sehun, I just need to talk to you. Please!”

Sehun caught Kai’s arm then and blinked the tears in his eyes away. “It’s okay, Kai,” he muttered.

Kai gaped at him. “Sehun… you—”

“I said it’s okay,” Sehun said calmly. “You go. I’ll… find a way home.”

Kai did not move. He could not take his eyes off Sehun. Was it disappointment that spread all over his chest or betrayal? “Oh,” Kai exhaled and slowly began to retreat. “Okay.” He turned around and grabbed his luggage before he glanced back at Sehun who was looking at his ex-boyfriend instead.

Walking out of that inn and driving away that day without Sehun had been one of Kai’s many regrets. He shouldn’t have left Sehun there. He shouldn’t have said that he was okay with them being just friends. He shouldn’t have tried to fool himself that he was not falling in love with Sehun, who would never let himself fall in love with Kai. Because he was still in love with that other guy.

 

 

 

 SHADOW OF YOUR LOVE

 

_“Did you hear from him again?”_

_“Yes,” Kai answered. “After a week. And that entire week he hadn’t returned any of my phone calls or messages, I thought I had gone half mad. But when he finally contacted me after that one week, I had gone completely mad.”_

_The interviewer was silent for a moment. Then frowning, she asked, “What had happened in that one week?”_

*

He was  _this_  close.  _This_  close to going to the police. What if Sehun’s ex-boyfriend had murdered Sehun and buried him in the woods that surrounded the inn. He would have believed so if only Sehun had not left him a voicemail earlier that week, saying he was all right and that he was with Lucas.

Kai was shamelessly praying that Lucas would somehow die.

He sat in the wintry cold night under a naked tree, head planted in his hands, fingers clutching at his hair. The bitter biting wind was not as agonizing as the pain in his chest. He could not sleep, eat, or even breathe right. This was probably what death felt a lot like, he thought.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and his head snapped up. He had never answered a phone call so fast in his life.

“Hello?! Sehun?!” he cried.

“Kai?” Sehun muttered on the other end.

“You horrible bastard! Way to go AWOL on me! I was losing my mind! God! Where the heck are you?!”

“Kai, listen,” Sehun said in a soft voice. “I’m fine. I’m happy. Things are good. I’m back with Lucas now.”

A lightning could strike Kai’s head right now and he’d still prefer that over what he had just heard. He was not sure he could even believe his ears.  _Please, let this just be another nightmare,_  he hoped.

“Kai?” Sehun called when Kai had not responded after a while.

“What do you mean… you’re back with him?” Kai asked, all the colours draining out of his life, leaving him in nothing but a monochromatic misery.

“He is sorry for everything… He wants me back, Kai. Isn’t that amazing?”

“Amazing? That is the most pathetic thing I’ve heard!” he snapped, balling his hand into a tight fist, reading to punch the tree.

“I know,” Sehun sighed. “But I… love him, Kai. And I always will. I didn’t want him to walk back into my life but now… he wants me. He loves me. Truly.”

“Fuck you,” Kai spat and hurled his phone until it smashed against the tree. Then he broke into a sob, crouching on the ground, gripping his hair.

*

_“So, you never told him how you felt about him?”_

_Kai stared at his palms on his lap. He swallowed. “I… did. In a way I knew he’d understand. I was a fool. A fool in love. So, I got a new phone and I called him back. I even apologized. And then I got invited to a party his boyfriend was throwing. And in that party, he announced that he and his boyfriend were back together. And I was soon out of the picture.”_

*

“Kai is a singer,” Sehun said, sounding like a proud mother, when he formally introduced Kai to Lucas.

Kai was already half drunk and plastered on his way to the nightclub. He was planning on zonking out before he could do something utterly stupid.

“Is he now?!” Lucas exclaimed and hurried to grab a microphone from the DJ. “Come on. You have to sing something for us.”

Sehun smiled at Kai and hooked arms with Lucas. Kai glowered at their linked arms for a moment before he accepted the microphone and started singing.

The song was apt for the situation.  _How Am I Supposed to Live Without You_  by Michael Bolton. Every word, every syllable had Sehun’s face dying little by little. Kai kept his eyes steady on Sehun as he sang.

“ _Too proud for crying. Didn’t come here to break down. It’s just a dream of mine is coming to an end. And how can I blame you when I build my world around the hope that one day we’d be so much more than friends. And I don’t wanna know the price I’m gonna pay for dreaming when even now it’s more than I can take_.”

Sehun’s eyes turned limpid and watery while his chest heaved lightly as he stared fixedly at Kai.

“ _And I don’t wanna know the price I’m gonna pay for dreaming, now that your dream has come true_.” Kai finished and returned the microphone, blinking his tears away as he climbed off the stage and strutted straight to Sehun. “Was  _that_  enough emotion for you?” he said sharply under his breath.

Sehun looked up at him, face paled with shock and revelation. “Kai,” he rasped but Kai did not wait to hear more as he shoved past him and stormed out of the club. “Kai!” Sehun cried and hurried after him.

Outside, in the cold, fresh air, Kai sucked in a few breaths before he spun around to meet Sehun. “What is wrong with  _me_?” he asked with a clenched jaw, though his eyes were threatening to betray him by letting his tears fall.

“Kai,” Sehun let out miserably.

“Oh, save your pity,” Kai spat. “You wanted me to feel the pain? Well, now I do, Sehun! I do! It feels like a truck had run over my chest! Does that make you happy?! Go! Go back to your perfect little Lucas who fucking turned his back on you once and wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. But go ahead and be naïve. See if I care!”

“Kai, please,” Sehun begged with a tear trickling down his cheek. Kai flinched away when Sehun tried to touch his hand. “Please, don’t do this.”

Kai’s hands flew up to cup the sides of Sehun’s face and he closed the distance between them. “I love you, Sehun,” he said firmly, loud and clearly. “And I don’t want to be your friend. I’m sorry if you feel betrayed but I  _love_  you. I cannot deny that any longer.” When he pulled Sehun close to kiss him, Sehun grunted and shoved Kai back before slapping a side of Kai’s face.

“Please,” he sobbed then, clutching at Kai’s shirt. “Love is a weakness for me, Kai. I don’t ever want you to be my weakness. Please. Please.”

Kai gritted his teeth and tore Sehun’s hands from his shirt. “Then I hope you have a good life, Sehun,” he said and walked away, wiping his cheeks. He carried himself like a dead weight with his head pounding brutally. He knew Sehun would not come after him anymore. And that was okay. Kai could learn to live with this pain.

He somehow made it back to his apartment building. But instead of wending his way up to his apartment, Kai started towards the bench under the tree near the building. He frowned when he saw a guy already perched on a side of the bench. He did not care. He plumped at the stranger’s side on the bench and dropped his face on his knees.

“Are you… okay?” the guy asked.

“No,” Kai mumbled without raising his head.

“You’re just drunk? Do you need help getting home?”

Kai lifted his head and snapped. “No, I’m fine. Why don’t you go be a good Samaritan elsewhere?!”

The guy frowned at him. Kai scowled back at him before his hard expression eventually softened as he surveyed the man’s young handsome face, blonde hair, and lean frame. He was bloody gorgeous. He was holding a collection of poems in his hands.

“You like poems?” Kai scoffed, sounding a little too drunk.

“I’m an amateur songwriter.” The guy then offered a gentle smile. “I’m Carl.”

*

_“Ah, so that was how you and your co-songwriter Carl Maxwell came to know each other,” the interviewer chimed and Kai laughed._

_“It was… unbelievable. It was all something like luck by chance.”_

_“How is your relationship with Maxwell now?”_

_“Good,” Kai said. “Very good. It’s always been good.”_

_That was an understatement._

 

 

 

BAD OBSESSION

 

His time with Carl had been nothing short of fantastic, exhilarating and perfect. Their chemistry was not only proven in the songs they had composed together but also in bed. Every moment he was with Carl was a dose of the cure to his heartbreak and he could not get enough of it.

As the summer of 2014 came, Kai’s memories of Sehun were beginning to wane. Carl was the reason. He was like no other. Always so calm, always so cautious, so gentle, so level-headed, so thoughtful, so smart, so well-read. Being in a relationship with someone like him was a bliss and it also made Kai a better person.

It did not take them long to mutually want to proceed into a stable relationship. Though Carl was several years older and more experienced than Kai, he had always seen Kai as his equal, especially when he was moaning under Kai in bed. Kai also never kept a secret from him. Carl was very understanding when Kai told him about Sehun and how the whole thing had crushed him. It did not take a lot of effort to distract himself from the thoughts of Sehun with Carl around. They worked on Kai’s music most of the time when they were not romancing. Carl was really helping Kai realize his dreams. Kai had even blocked Sehun’s number and he knew Sehun would have taken the hint.

Carl had changed Kai. For the better.

“Kai?” Carl said one night, as they lay on the couch in each other’s arms, watching Casablanca for the nth time.

“Hmm?” Kai hummed, stroking the fair strands of Carl’s hair.

“Don’t you want to settle things with… Sehun?”

Kai stiffened. “What?”

“I mean… don’t you want to tie up loose ends and just… close the chapter so that you can move on?”

Kai frowned. “I’m not sure I want to…”

Carl sat up so that he could meet Kai’s eyes. “You know you want to,” he sighed. “At least, I think you should.” He rose to his feet and wandered into the kitchen.

Kai sat still for a moment, gnawing at his lower lip until it bruised. Then he grabbed his phone and stared at Sehun’s blocked number. He glanced at the kitchen briefly before he meandered his way out of Carl’s apartment and headed up to the rooftop.

He stared at his phone for a moment longer before he drew in a breath and unblocked the number before dialling it. It rang. Kai tapped his foot nervously on the ground.

Sehun answered with a gasp. “Kai?!”

Kai bit his lip. “Hey,” he muttered.

“Oh, Jesus,” Sehun panted. “I can’t believe this.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Kai rubbed the back of his neck. He needed to sound calm and cocky. No matter what happened, he could never show that he missed Sehun like hell, so much that he was about to die just from hearing Sehun’s voice again.

“How… are you?” Sehun asked timidly. He was probably crying.

“Fine,” Kai answered curtly. “How’s your Lucas?”

“He’s fine, too. He’s at work.”

“Hmm.”

More silence. “Kai,” Sehun called in again in a shy voice. “Are you… okay?”

“Yes, I’m really okay, Sehun,” Kai spat. “I even have a hot boyfriend now. He’s perfect, as a matter of fact. I’m happy. He’s keeping me happy.”

“Oh,” Sehun let out and Kai smirked to himself. “That’s… great. I just… missed you.”

“Uh-huh,” Kai mumbled. “Are you around?”

“In London? Yes.”

“Do you want to come over for dinner tomorrow night? Carl and I would love to host you.”

Sehun laughed despite himself. “Will your  _hot_  boyfriend at least be around this time or is he another Cara Berger?”

“Why don’t you see for yourself? Bring Lucas along.”

“Oh, he has work. But I’ll come.”

“Okay. I’ll text you the address.”

Sehun kept mum for a second. “I missed you, Kai,” he whispered.

“I hate you,” Kai said and hung up on him. A sob rose in his throat.  _I love you, Sehun. I always will._

*

Kai restlessly paced the apartment, constantly glancing at the door, hoping that the doorbell would ring any moment now.

Carl stared at him from the dining table while he set the plates with an arched eyebrow. “You’re like a cat on hot bricks,” he commented.

“Huh?” Kai said coyly. “I’m totally chill, okay.”

“Sure, honey,” he chuckled.

The doorbell chimed. Kai stilled for a second before he neatened his hair one last time and started towards the door. But Carl held him back to adjust his shirt collar and give him a light kiss on his lips.

“Oh-so excited to see your crush,” Carl laughed.

“He’s not my crush,” Kai hissed as he pulled the door open. Sehun stood there, grinning that priceless smile, cheeks pinked with delight, eyes glimmering with stars in them. Kai’s jaw fell slack. Had he always been this beautiful or was this like the forbidden fruit story? Either way, Sehun’s hair was slightly longer now and he was sporting a promise ring on his finger. Kai scowled and curled an arm around Carl’s waist.

“Hi,” Sehun cooed and greeted Carl first before he turned to Kai. He smiled and Kai glowered.

“No cactus?” Kai asked.

“Cactus?” Carl echoed confusedly.

“Wow. You look so much more stunning than in the pictures he had been sending me all night,” Sehun told Carl.

Carl raised an eyebrow. “So, that’s why you took my pictures,” he scoffed at Kai.

Yes, it was indeed to make Sehun jealous. In fact, this whole dinner thing was to make Sehun burn with jealousy.

It had been so long. Kai could not take his eyes off Sehun. He knew that both Carl and Sehun had noticed Kai staring at Sehun, but he could not help it. The pain slowly began to clench at his heart again.

“I can’t believe Kai managed to score someone as outstanding as you,” Sehun joked as he was ushered to the dining table. They took their seats, Kai directly across Sehun.

“I’m humbled by your compliments,” Carl said. They ate in silence for a moment before Carl said, “So, Sehun. I’m curious about something. If you don’t mind me asking, how could you not fall for someone so charming?”

Sehun’s eyes briefly darted to Kai and he smiled shakily. “Well, back when I knew him, he wasn’t at all charming. He was very quiet around people and he cried in my arms, on the road, in the bars, in the cabs, all the damn time. He was like a child.”

Kai’s heart felt a pang.

Carl looked genuinely taken aback. “Seriously?” he rasped. “Why have I never seen that Kai? And why have you never cried in my arms?”

Kai pulled Carl close for a chaste kiss on his cheek. “That’s because I don’t ever need to cry when you’re around, beautiful.” He pulled away and resumed eating, keeping his predatory eyes on Sehun at all times. Sehun was deliberately avoiding his gaze as he pretended to be concentrating on his plate. Bastard. Kai wanted Sehun to look at him and he wanted to see the hurt in Sehun’s eyes.

Carl was staring at him stare at Sehun relentlessly. Kai still did not look away. He wanted to catch just a glimpse of Sehun’s guilty conscience.

But even as the dinner came to an end, he caught none. Sehun was throwing easy smiles everywhere. He cracked a few jokes with Carl here and there, and thoroughly avoided making eye-contact with Kai.

“Thank you for the wonderful dinner, Carl,” Sehun said as he withdrew from Carl’s embrace.

“Anytime,” Carl said, smiling.

“I’ll be right back,” Kai told his boyfriend before he followed Sehun downstairs before they wended their way out of the building. Now standing by the street, Sehun faced Kai at last and smiled. Kai clenched his teeth and fists, scowling fiercely. Sehun’s smile faltered. “How could you?” he spat.

Sehun’s lips parted to say something but he pursed them again, eyebrows drawing together in a sad frown.

“Not an ounce of guilt or jealousy?” Kai asked, eyes stinging with tears. He took hold of Sehun’s face in his hands. “Is your heart made of stone or does it only clench for Lucas? How can you not even love me half of how much I love  _you_?!”

“I do love you, Kai!” Sehun cried, letting his tears fall. Kai froze as his heart drummed in his chest. Sehun’s warm tears touched his thumbs pressed to Sehun’s cheekbones. “I love you, okay?! I love you so much, I love you the most in this entire fucking world! Just not the way you want me to love you.”

Kai retrieved his hands from Sehun’s face and looked away, blinking his eyes that were welled up with tears. “Why?” That was all that he needed to know.

“Because I’m scared of it,” Sehun whispered. “I don’t want to lose you like that.”

Kai scoffed and faced Sehun again. “Are you fucking blind? You have already lost me, Sehun. And you lost me not because you wanted this friendship to last. But because you are liar and you  _do not_  love me the most in this world. Just stop it. It’s great that you have a good life with the guy of your dreams. I am done with this. I’m done with you. I want nothing to do with you anymore.”

Sehun said nothing in return. He just stared miserably.

“Just go away,” Kai spat and stomped away from him, marching back up to the apartment. He wanted to punch or break something.

He found Carl perched on the edge of the bed in the bedroom with his chin in his hands. He was contemplating something. He then raised his head and frowned at Kai.

“We’ve over, Kai,” he said, eyes glistening.

Kai had seen this coming. In fact, he wanted it to happen. He wanted to be pushed away. Carl did not deserve this. And Kai most certainly did not deserve him.

“I’m worried that I’m falling in love with you and if I don’t walk away now, I might never be able to,” Carl said, snivelling.

Kai dropped his knees before him and took his hands. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I didn’t… think that when you said he crushed you, you’d still be in… so much love with him,” he muttered. “I didn’t realize that you have no room in your heart for anyone but him until I saw… how you look at him.” He squeezed Kai’s hands. “I don’t want you to be in this pain. So, please. Go. Leave me be.”

Kai pressed a kiss to Carl’s forehead before he rose to his feet. “I’m sorry,” he muttered again and left the apartment.

He ran. He ran until his lungs hurt, until he ran out of both breaths and tears.

 

 

 

 LIVE AND LET DIE

 

He knocked on Sehun’s apartment door, bathed in sweat and short-winded. He knocked again and again until the door swung open.

“Kai, what are—”

Kai barged into the apartment and slammed the door shut behind him. Sehun stared at him in surprise with puffy, glassy eyes. He was clad in an oversized jumper and nothing else. Kai grabbed hold of Sehun’s hand and forcefully took the ring off Sehun’s finger before hurling it across the room. Though he was taken aback, Sehun did not voice an objection.

“Push me away now,” Kai snarled as he advanced closer. Sehun took a few steps back before his back was pressed against the wall. Then he was trapped between the wall and Kai. “I never should have met you, Sehun,” Kai breathed out. “How do I erase my memory of you?”

He leaned in and brushed his lips on the tear that rolled down Sehun’s cheek. His trembling breath grazed Sehun’s cheek.

Then Sehun raised his hands to the back of Kai’s head and entangled his fingers in his hair. “Take me,” he breathed against Kai’s lips. “Please. Take me, Kai. I give up.”

Their lips met, eyes clenched, and bodies arched into one another. Kai tilted his head a little to deepen the kiss and Sehun gripped his hair tighter. Kai tasted the salt of both their tears on Sehun’s lips.

He hoisted Sehun up, clutching at the back of Sehun’s bare thighs as Sehun wrapped his legs around Kai’s waist, clinging onto his neck. When Kai drew his tongue along the seam of Sehun’s swelling lips, demanding access, Sehun yielded once more and parted his lips, coaxing Kai’s tongue into the warm cavern.

Then slowly, Kai pulled Sehun away from the wall and bore him to the bed. He crawled in between Sehun’s uncovered legs without breaking their kiss. It was long overdue. They were both starved. Their hands ventured all over their bodies, seeking more skin and warmth.

Kai moved his lips to Sehun’s neck and kissed it languidly while Sehun fumbled with Kai’s shirt buttons. Once all their clothes had come off, in the dim moonlight, Kai marvelled at Sehun’s unblemished, flawless body on display under him. Sehun crimsoned and blushed, bringing his hands to Kai’s bare chest. He slowly drew it down to his abs.

Kai kissed him on the lips again, lowering himself between Sehun’s thighs to grind against him. A soft moan broke from Sehun’s throat and Kai savoured it. “I want you, Sehun,” he panted upon Sehun’s lower lip. “I want to come inside you and feel you throb all around me.”

Sehun was no longer going to deny him any of it. He had surrendered completely. He wrapped his legs around Kai’s waist as Kai fumbled with the lotion. “Kai,” Sehun said in a raspy breath as Kai nudged the head of his shaft on the rim of his opening. “I love you.”

Kai claimed Sehun’s lips again. Skin against skin, sweat mingling together, moans and ragged breaths filling the room, they made love. And it was the first time Kai had ever experienced the full ecstasy of making love to someone he was truly, completely in love with.

*

The sunlight danced on the other side of his eyelids. He squinted as he cracked an eye open to scowl at the brightness. But his attention was instantly averted by a pair sober eyes that were staring at him, smiling.

“Hey,” Sehun whispered and bit his lip.

“I was hoping it wasn’t just a dream,” Kai mumbled hoarsely and yawned before he hooked an arm around Sehun’s waist and yanked him close. Sehun hissed in pain and Kai quickly released him. “Oops. Sorry.”

Sehun smirked. “No, you’re not.”

Kai smirked back and kissed Sehun’s upper lip. “No, I’m not.”

*

_“It was a happy ending, then,” she said, grinning from ear to ear._

_Kai smiled and bowed his head. “Sure, the heartbreak instigated me to write many good songs. But he… he is my real muse.”_

_“It is a painful story, nevertheless,” she sighed and wiped a corner of her eye. “Did he come to regret to have friendzoned you for so long?”_

_Kai laughed. “No. And I strive, even to this very day, that he never comes to regret to have lost the friendship.”_

_“You’ve gone through a pretty shitty phase to get where you are right now.”_

_Kai shrugged. “Like the legend once said, ‘Life sucks. But in a beautiful kind of way.’”_

 

end.

 

 


End file.
